Seasons

In traditional psychotherapy, there is the idea of transference. Essentially, the therapist becomes whatever the client needs him to be; a sort of idealized person. It is assumed that, symbolically, the therapist becomes the ultimate parental figure for the client. As the transference grows and develops, the client becomes more and more comfortable sharing his deepest and darkest secrets; those things he might feel shame or guilt about and that are holding him back in some way. Unlike a friend, the therapist withholds all judgment and does not reject the client for things he says or for fantasies that he reveals. This allows the client to confront the abandonment issues that most people have..."If you really knew me, you wouldn't love me. Therefore I have to become the person I think that you think that I am." Complicated, huh? No wonder relationships are so fucking hard.

Unfortunately, I think this transference thing happens sometimes in friendships. But in a fucked up sort of way. We may form idealized versions of people to whom we are close. Then we expect them to live up to this idealized version we have created. When they reveal their flaws, we are disappointed and may react by rejecting them or lashing out at them. Relationships are difficult, after all. Does any of this sound familiar?

If we are lucky and the divine forces of the universe are on our side, sometimes we meet those one or two people that we instinctively know are "the ones." This is the person to whom we can reveal our true selves without fear of rejection. We let down our defenses and reveal those things about ourselves which we usually keep guarded; things which we may feel shame or guilt about. It truly is a wonderful thing to feel that someone accepts you for who you truly are. Magical, even. 

Of course, this also comes with a certain amount of responsibility. When we love someone in this way, we also have to remain conscious of the fact that we must continue to let them be not only the person they are, but the person they may become in the future. After all, evolution and development are not stagnant concepts. Hopefully, we provide the love, support, and encouragement to create a space where we can continue to evolve and grow into what we might become; all while sharing that space with the other person. Granted, no small feat, but well worth the effort.